When such a trauma happens to you, un-asked, un-beckoned, the shock of it projects you into a bizarre bubble, an alternate universe where your baby is dead. In the distance you see the trajectory of your former life, carrying on, now unreachable. You must forge ahead with this new path across new terrain to conquer and colonise it as you once did that now foreign land – your former life. Denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, regret, depression as well as acceptance and hope are key narratives I seek to navigate as I try to make sense of the years leading up to and following my first child’s birth and death. I discover many of personal truths I hold dear are proven to be wrong as I struggle to cope with overwhelming emotions. In the aftermath of losing my beloved first child, with the love and support of family and friends, I realise I must rebuild my shattered identity to include being a bereaved mother.